A young couple moved to a new town and wanted to join the church, so they stopped in to visit the pastor.
The pastor said, “We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks.”
The couple agreed and came back at the end of two weeks.
The pastor asked, “Were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?”
“No Pastor, we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks,” the young man replied sadly.
“What Happened?” inquired the pastor. “My wife was reaching for a can of paint on the top shelf and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and took advantage of her right there.”
“You understand, of course, this means you will not be welcome in our church,” stated the pastor.
“We know.” said the young man, “We’re not welcome at Home Depot anymore either.”
An old man walks into a church, and goes for a confession. The priest pulls back the window, and the old man says: “Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I am 80 years old and I was walking home from the library the other day and two college girls stopped their car and said they were on spring break and needed directions and we got into a discussion and they offered to drive me home and on the way one of them asked me the last time I’d had sex and I told them it had been years and she said would I like to have some fun and before I knew it the three of us were in my apartment and I had the most magnificent sex for two nights and the day between and they’re still there waiting for me and promised they’d show me things I never even knew a man and woman could do. And that’s why I’ve come to confession.”
And the priest asks, “When was the last time you went to confession?”
And the old man says, “Actually, this is the first time.”
And the priest says, “You’re 80 years old and this is your first confession? Why now?”
And the old man says, “Because I’m not Cahtolic.”
And the priest asks, “In that case, why are you telling me?”
And the old man says, “Are you kidding? I’m telling everybody!”
NOTES FROM A TEXAS CHILI COOK-OFF
Includes notes from an inexperienced chili tester named FRANK, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast.
Frank notes: “Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge’s table asking directions to the beer wagon, when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn’t be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting – So I accepted.”
Here are the scorecards from the event:
- CHILI # 1 – MIKE’S MANIAC MOBSTER MONSTER CHILI
- JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
- JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
- Frank: Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could use it to remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that’s the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
- CHILI # 2 – ARTHUR’S AFTERBURNER CHILI
- JUDGE ONE: Smokey, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
- JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
- Frank: Keep this out of the reach of children. I’m not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.
- CHILI # 3 – FRED’S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI
- JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
- JUDGE TWO: A bean less chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
- Frank: Call the EPA, I’ve located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now- get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my back bone is in the front part of my chest. I’m getting shit-faced from all the beer.
- CHILI # 4 – BUBBA’S BLACK MAGIC
- JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
- JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
- Frank: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds?
- CHILI # 5 – LINDA’S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
- JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very Impressive
- JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
- Frank: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage; a barmaid saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I’m burning my lips off? It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks!
- CHILI # 6 – VERA’S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY
- JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.
- JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb!
- Frank: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. Can’t feel my lips anymore.
- CHILI # 7 – SUSAN’S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI
- JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
- JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about Judge Number 3, he appears to be in a bit of distress and he is cursing uncontrollably.
- Frank: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn’t feel a damn thing. I’ve lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. At least during the autopsy they’ll know what killed me. I’ve decided to stop breathing, it’s too painful. Screw it, I’m not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I’ll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach
- CHILI # 8 – HELEN’s MOUNT SAINT CHILI
- JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blended chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare it’s existence.
- JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he’s going to make it. Poor Yank, wonder how he’d have reacted to a really hot chili?
- Frank: (Not available for comment.)
An American businessman was standing at the pier of a small coastal Mexican village when a small boat with just one fisherman docked. Inside the small boat were several large yellowfin tuna. The American complimented the Mexican on the quality of his fish.
“How long did it take you to catch them?” The American asked.
“Only a little while.” The Mexican replied.
“Why don’t you stay out longer and catch more fish?” The American then asked.
“I have enough to support my family’s immediate needs.” The Mexican said.
“But,” The American then asked, “What do you do with the rest of your time?”
The Mexican fisherman said, “I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, take a siesta with my wife, Maria, stroll into the village each evening where I sip wine and play guitar with my amigos, I have a full and busy life, senor.”
The American scoffed, “I am a Harvard MBA and could help you. You should spend more time fishing and with the proceeds you buy a bigger boat, and with the proceeds from the bigger boat you could buy several boats, eventually you would have a fleet of fishing boats.”
“Instead of selling your catch to a middleman you would sell directly to the consumers, eventually opening your own can factory. You would control the product, processing and distribution. You would need to leave this small coastal fishing village and move to Mexico City, then LA and eventually NYC where you will run your expanding enterprise.”
The Mexican fisherman asked, “But senor, how long will this all take?”
To which the American replied, “15-20 years.”
“But what then, senor?”
The American laughed and said, “That’s the best part. When the time is right you would announce an IPO (Initial Public Offering) and sell your company stock to the public and become very rich, you would make millions.”
“Millions, senor? Then what?”
The American said slowly, “Then you would retire. Move to a small coastal fishing village where you would sleep late, fish a little, play with your kids, take a siesta with your wife, stroll to the village in the evenings where you could sip wine and play your guitar with your amigos…”
One foggy night, a Yankee fan is heading north from New York and a Red Sox fan is driving south from Boston.
While crossing a narrow bridge, they hit each other head-on, mangling both cars.
The Red Sox fan manages to climb out of his car and survey the damage. He looks at his twisted car and says, "Man, I'm lucky to be alive!"
Likewise, the Yankee fan gets out of his car uninjured, he too feeling fortunate to have survived.
The Yankee fan walks over to the Red Sox fan and says, "Hey, man, I think this is a sign that we should put away our petty differences and live as friends instead of being rivals."
The Red Sox fan thinks for a moment and says, "You know, you're absolutely right! We should be friends. In fact, I'm going to see if something else survived the wreck."
The Red Sox fan pops open his trunk and removes a full, undamaged bottle of Jack Daniel's. He says to the Yankee fan, "I think this is another sign we should toast to our newfound friendship."
The Yankee fan agrees and grabs the bottle. After sucking down half of the bottle, he hands it back to the Red Sox fan and says, "Your turn!"
The Red Sox fan calmly twists the cap back on the bottle, throws the bottle over the bridge into the river and says, "Nah, I think I'll just wait for the cops to show up.
A little girl asks her Mom, “Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?”
Mom says, “The dog is in heat, go ask daddy.”
The little girl goes to her father, “Dad, can I take Susie for a walk around the block? Mom said the dog is in heat and that I should ask you.”
“Hm.” He answers, takes a rag, soaks it with gasoline, and scrubs the dog’s butt with it.
“OK, you can go now but keep Susie on the leash.”
Little girl goes and returns a few minutes later with no dog on the leash.
Dad asks, “Where is Susie?”
Little girl says, “Susie ran out of gas about halfway down the block. But another dog is pushing her home.”
A Catholic priest and a Mormon bishop are on the same airplane and seated beside each other.
“Is it still a requirement of your faith that you are not to drink coffee?” asked the priest.
The Mormon bishop responds, “Yes that is still one of our beliefs.”
The Catholic priest then asks, “Have you ever had a cup of coffee?”
“Yes,” says the Mormon bishop, “I have to admit on one occasion, I did succumb to temptation and tried a cup of coffee.”
The Catholic priest nods in understanding and goes on with his reading.
After a while, Mormon bishop speaks up and asks, “Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?”
The Catholic priest replies, “Yes, that is still one of our vows.”
“Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?” the bishop asked the priest.
The priest replied, “Yes, Bishop, on one occasion, I was weak and broke my vow.”
The bishop smiled, looked at the Catholic priest and said, “A lot better than coffee, isn’t it?”
It was entertainment night at the senior center and the Amazing Claude was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed Hypnotist do his stuff. As Claude went to the front of the meeting room he announced, “Unlike most hypnotists who invite two or three people up here to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience.”
The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. “I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It’s a very special watch. It’s been in my family for six generations.”
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, “Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch…” The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist’s
fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.
“SHIT!” said the Hypnotist…
It took three days to clean up the senior center. Claude was never invited back.
This guy runs home and bursts in yelling, “Pack your bags honey, I just won the lottery!” She says, “Oh wonderful! Should I pack for the beach or the mountains?” He replies, “I don’t care…Just get the hell out!”
I was recently told I have “tennis elbow.” I don’t play tennis.
Reminded me of this old joke.
After enduring elbow pain for a few weeks, Ken decided it was time to go see a doctor.
When he arrived, the Doctor explained he had a new piece of equipment he that would analyze his urine and provide a diagnoses of the problem. And, a nice bonus it was faster and cheaper than the usual tests.
Ken figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled bottle with a urine sample and the doctor poured it in. The machine started making some noises and the various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed:
You have tennis elbow.
Soak your arm in warm water.
Avoid heavy labor.
It will be better in two weeks.
Ken was not satisfied with the results, and explained to the doctor that he didn’t even play tennis. The doctor agreed to conduct a second test in a few days for no additional charge.
Later that evening while stewing over the stupidity of this machine, he thought he would give it a real test. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the doctor and they poured in the sample. The machine again made the usual noises and the lights flashed and blinked. After a short wait the doctor read the following analysis:
Your tap water is too hard
Get a water softener
Your dog has fleas
Give him medicine
Your daughter’s is using cocain
Put her in a rehabilitation clinic
Your wife’s pregnant with twin girls, they aren’t yours
Get a lawyer
And if you don’t stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better.